Christmas is basically here and yet I don’t feel like anything has really changed. Christmas is supposed to be this magical holiday that for one day of the year you feel untouchable and like nothing can go wrong. Its not that I feel this way this year, its just that everything is different. Our first dinner on Christmas Eve opposed to Christmas day. Our first Christmas without seeing our extended family. My first Christmas where I feel unappreciated by my friends. My first Christmas without my mom. And although some of these aren’t bad things, they’re just different. Change is good, but it just makes Christmas feel so different. I may be over reacting, but tomorrow will be good hopefully. I’m going to be spending Christmas with my best friends family, another new but really good thing. I just hope that I feel the magic tomorrow. Or else there’s really no point.
December 24th, 2007
December 20th, 2007
I read something today that finally made sense to me. I was in Borders and I picked up this book only because it was called “Girls are Weird, but They Smell Good” and I thought it was funny. I just was flipping through it when I came across the BFF part. This guy didn’t understand why we call people BFFs because they don’t last. And my favorite part was that usually the people you call your BFFs end up stabbing you in the back and talking shit about you. So they should be called Backstabbing Friends Forever. Well I find myself in a position where this is completely true. And I cant stand it. I am nothing but caring, loving, concerned, and comical towards my friends. And they stab me in the back. I hear my name used so many times by my BFF not to praise me but to bash me. “Abby is a bitch.” “All Abby does is talk about herself.” “Did you hear how ridiculous Abby is being?” Well you know what…?
“Abby doesn’t give a fuck”
“Abby doesn’t give a fuck”
April 8th, 2007
so basically i feel like the biggest headcase in the world. it was a ood day until now. i guess it started when i had a conversation with my neighboor. we used to hook up back in the day and he wanted to start up again. i refused because its what i really wanted. but now i feel bad, because he told me he got emotionally attatched. ugh what the hell do i want?! and i guess the bad feeling is spreading. because now im thinking about my mom and shit. this is really just building inside me. and i really dont know what to do. my head says one thing and my heart says another. my compassion gets the better of me. every fucking time. no matter what the situation my heart likes to screw me over into a state of confusion and stress. i really want to just tell my mom to go fuck herself. she wants to hurt me? ill hurt her back ten times worse. i really do. but of course i cant. because i cant deal with conflict and people crying or becoming upset because of me. shes still my mom though. but she hurt me. gah im so freaking confused. and this is so freaking confusing. why do i let my emotions have the better of me? what is so wrong with making a decision and sticking to it? i just need to calm down and think. breathe. it doesnt work half the time though. but maybe by some miracle itll work.
March 31st, 2007
Ima start updating this more. for real. not so anyone can read it. so i can go back and see myself and who i was. im constantly changing and sometimes i need to be reminded of things that happened last year. thats what i just did. and i just laughed to myself. because i sounded so different. so onto today. idk whats going on. i just feel so tired. like physically and emotionally. like my mind and body is spent. my eyelids are heavy and so is my head. i dont feel sick and i havent been lacking sleep. i get a decent amount of hours a night. its just weird. maybe its cuz i miss my friends. i talk to zac like everyday and i know he would make me feel better. but unfotunately hes in italy. so im alone. i went shopping today. kind of a bad idea. im still as big as a fucking whale. people say im losing weight. i dont see it or feel it. if you lose weight shouldnt you have more energy or something? thats what my dad says. im mostly in this for him. he told me today how proud he was that i was hanging in there. that made me feel good. i guess i lied when i said i was only in this for him. im in this for myself too, but its so hard. no one realizes. everyone in my family either has a fast metabolism or are crazy athletic. not me. im just the one who was stuck with the slow metabolism and no will power because of it. but im really trying. maybe ill see it in a month, but for now im just believing in something that isnt real yet. idk why i cant trust or believe other people when they tell me im doing it. i guess its just a reflex. and i think that theyre saying it to make me feel better. its officially been 2 months since mom left. and im better. getting better everyday. less stress=less weight. that bitch dug my tomb with my weight. it took a talk with my dad to realize it, but its true. she always told me i was fat, then bought 64565 million junk foods. and she knew i ate when i was upset. and she knew that shes could get me to eat chips and sit on the couch with her. those days are over now. we threw out that couch. and i threw away all of the memories that accompanied it. im good. no, im not good. im fucking great. for once in my life, everythings not a stress issue. she turned my whole world around. and i kinda like it.